Dear Hot Homeless Guy

Yeah, you read that right. Hot and homeless in the same sentence. See, there’s this really attractive homeless (I think) guy who hangs around my office all the time. And he’s not hot for a hobo, he’s hot for a normal person, which is weird and confusing because every time I see him, I can’t help but check him out.

And then, because he either has some sort of mental illness or pretends to to keep people away, he gives me the evil eye. So anyway, instead of writing about how I’m OMG SO EXCITED FOR VEGAS I CAN’T STAND IT AND THIS IS TOTALLY GONNA BE ME AND MANDY TOMORROW EXCEPT WE’LL BE IN AN AIRPORT, AND ALSO WE’LL MOST LIKELY BOTH BE HUMAN, I’m going to write about homeless guy. I mean, I already am, but like…more. More of this. Aren’t you glad?

Dear HHG,

Could you try not to be all hot and tanned (which I know is from living outside and all and you can’t actually help that), but also crazy? I don’t know if you’re actually schizo or just faking it, but when you yelled BOO! in that woman’s face, it was, frankly, a little scary. Mostly to her, since I was still about 30 feet away, but you get my point. Maybe. Also? The radio flyer full of miscellaneous crap is a great alternative to the traditional shopping cart. I admire your creativity. However, bringing the wagon into the bagel place makes people nervous. Plus you’re blocking the line, which means I’m stuck with the creepy old guy who is not homeless but still totally creepy and likes to talk to me. Thanks for that. Maybe you could be a little less selfish next time.

Anyway, I think you should just work on the crazy and get a job so it would be socially acceptable for us to make out. But probably take a shower first. I’m assuming that wandering around Denver all day isn’t the cleanest activity. Oh, and if you’re secretly a grad student who’s doing a sociological experiment or something, definitely call me. But still shower first. And lose the wagon.

Love,

The girl you give the stink eye to all the time