This will not turn into a “OMG I<3<3<3 my boyfriend sooo much!” kind of blog.

Swear. And no offense to those of you who are like that. Except you suck so whatever, be offended. That being said, I kind of do. I mean, he’s not “officially” my boyfriend, but he pretty much is. And saying boyfriend is easier than “Guy I’m In Love With Who Is Only NOT My Boyfriend Because 3000 Miles Is A Lot,” or GIILWWIONMBB3KMIAL for short. It’s Welsh.

Anyway, the only reason I am even talking about this is because today, I came thisclose to a mental breakdown. I’ve been trying to keep things normal on the surface, but I am FREAKING OUT. This week I move out of my parents’ house, which I am both incredibly ready for, and panicked by, because I’ve been back home for a year and a half and after my sister’s death, being close to them has been even more important. On the other hand, I’m rapidly approaching my 27th birthday and I need to have my own place again. I have curtains as walls, for pete’s sake. Just try masturbating under those circumstances. I was procrastinating the moving thing, mainly because it’s sort of a pain in the ass, but GIILWWIONfejaehwajfksal’s upcoming visit forced me to get on it and then it was suddenly like, “Oh…shit, I have so much stuff and I have to pack ALL of it??” Yes, yes I do. Eeep.

In addition to moving, I had a slow start on my correspondence course this semester, and now I’m realizing that I have 3 weeks to submit 4 assignments and thaaaat is not good. I read the book for the second one but every time I sit down to write the paper, I draw a complete blank. It’s not even like I’m taking something hard; history is my freakin major and I already took basically the same class by a different name. And yet? Nada. I got an introduction and then nothing. So I’m now trying to write 2 papers AND do all the aforementioned packing. Again, not good.

The last thing is something I didn’t even realize would affect me, but it’s hitting me harder than I expected. My sister would have turned 25 in 3 weeks and it was like, as soon as April hit, I…don’t know. I’m not entirely sure how to describe it. It’s not that I’m suddenly more depressed, because in spite of everything, I’m relatively happy. It’s more that it’s a renewed consciousness that she really isn’t coming back and that fact sucks/pisses me off/makes me cry/leaves me hollow/did I mention sucks?

So, in the midst of what was shaping up to be a full blown panic attack at my desk, which would have been fun, my “geographically separated boyfriend” (his nickname suggestion, but I think we’ll keep looking because that shit is long) very calmly suggested courses of action, and when that failed, just listened to me rant. And then he sent me funny pictures about things I like. Light sabers and cthulu might not seem like the most romantic gestures, but they made me relax for just a second. Any guy who finds me more attractive when I suggest oatmeal toppings to “max out his deliciousness stat” is probably a good one for me, though. He just gets me, and that is new and kind of awesome. And so, even though I promise not to get all disgusting and schmoop all over you guys, I kind of owe him a big fat thank you. Which will come in the form of doin it. High five!