You’re Pretty Much Going to Hell if You Don’t Read This

So we all know how much I don’t like kids, right? Bleh, kids. But then they go and get cancer and I can’t hate them anymore because they’re just little and full of cancer and that totally blows because it’s not their fault and then they’re bald and it’s sad. I mean, it’s sad when anyone gets cancer, but I think it’s hardest to understand in someone who only reaches your hip (or in my case, my neck). How does someone’s body fail them so badly when it’s still so new? Sad stuff.

So anyway. The new guy, being totally awesome, shaves his head every year to raise money for St. Baldrick’s. I’ll be honest, I’ve heard of it before, but never actually knew what it was. Basically, the organization funds research for childhood cancer, and new guy is totally into it. This is his 5th year doing it, even though a shaved head isn’t a great look for him. That’s how not superficial and cool he is.

I will not be shaving my head because I AM superficial and I want to be pretty. So instead, I told him I’ll pony up a few bucks for his team.*

I know everyone just donated buckets of money for Love Harder and Bust a Move and Haiti so this is bad timing but I figured why not put it out there anyway, right? If this gets his team five more dollars, I’m ok with that. I’ll still have earned a foot massage or something. And hey, if you skip one GHCS2PLSHLWNF, that’s like, $4 right there. Or maybe have one less drink (I KNOW! Blasphemy and I’m sorry I even said it!) or maybe just don’t order drinks for 3 of your friends all night not that I know anything about that at all why are you looking at me? I don’t know, I don’t make the rules about liquor and how much you can and can’t drink. God makes the rules. It’s God’s water.

I suspect I’m getting off track here. Basically, if you feel like you don’t like cancer or maybe just hate having money or want me to get a foot massage or something, here’s the link that helps with all of those problems. Maybe if 5 people donate or something, I’ll post sexy pictures of me on here.**

*I told him it’s on the condition that he does a stripper dance while I throw singles at him. That’s how I donate money for cancer, damnit. He said no g-string though. Selfish.
**My standards are low. But it’s ok because I’m terribly unphotogenic so sexy pictures of me do not and can not exist so it’s a trick anyway. Or is it?